My friend and fellow writer, V-Grrrl, wrote a compelling post about her dealings with depression and the healing and supportive effects of social media. I invite you to read her story.
In response, I penned the comments below:
I first wanted to die at age 7. Prayed every night that I’d not awaken in the morning. For the longest time, I blamed my inner turmoil on a wildly tumultuous family life laden with violence and abuse and tears.
Through my thirties, the “dark debilitator” and I never parted company. I read scores of self-help books, ate right, got plenty of sleep, avoided alcohol, sought counseling, never toyed with drugs and practiced every holistic recommendation.
Still, He dogged me.
Despite the fact that, once an adult, I enjoyed every blessing and achieved every goal, I fell into the abyss on a regular basis. Climbing out was a monumental feat that nearly broke me time and again.
When the first of two of my children became chronically ill, I finally told the doctor the dirty details of my thirty-year battle with the beast. Her response? “This is a biological illness. All you’ve done has helped, but only medication will set your chemistry right.”
Enter the vanquisher- a prescription antidepressant. Over the last ten years I weaned myself off of it several times, thinking I could manage on my own. Finally, I accept it as my saving grace. On it, I AM me. Without it, He wins. Fuck that.
If it ever stops working, I’ll get myself to the doctor and find a new weapon. I love being me. I’ll never again willingly give up myself.
If you think you might suffer with depression, make an appointment with your doctor. Seek help. Feel better.
* "Black Dog" is a colloquial term for depression.
I too have fought the “beast” and won through the wonderful help of modern medicine. I revel in the new me, and thank the heavens above that I did not loose the ones I love, in my ongoing battle. Support and the medicine are a true blessing!
Support and medicine are blessings. We are fortunate to love people who are willing and able to understand, because ignorance still runs rampant on the topic. Recently my pharmacist -MY PHARMACIST!- commented, “You don’t seem like the kind of person that needs this stuff.” I swiftly replied, “That’s because I take it and it works.” I also flashed my green eyes with incredible intensity, just to give her a taste of what she could be dealing with!
Kim,
When someone like you… or V-grrl say “WTH” it gives others like me, the strength to say it too. I am the third in a line of women with a severe chemical imbalance. For a moment I was sidetracked when you spoke of attempts to wean yourself off of your medication thinking you could be stronger than the vanquisher. How many times I’ve told myself I am stronger than this claim the doctors make… succumbed to the many who say medicine is over prescribed and lifestyle changes are all it takes, only to find myself in that dark place, angry with life… disgusted with the reflection in the mirror. So my Mom and I teamed up. We keep each other honest. Just like V-grrl wrote… it’s not some flaw in me. My doctor once compared it to a diabetic: diabetics need insulin and no one faults them for that, so why would a chemical imbalance… someone chronically depressed be regarded any different? Medicate. I commend both of you for your ability to speak out and toast social media because it makes other, less brave souls feel just that. much. stronger.
Thank you, Brave Brittany! Together, we creative women are a mighty, powerful force. We ARE strong.
Thanks so much for sharing your story (and mine). Your comment meant so much to me because you are one of the most positive, optimistic, forward-thinking people I know. You defy all the stereotypes we associate with depression.
I’ve dealt with other medical issues but depression is the worst because it steals my very soul and it hurts my family. I’m grateful my depression is controlled by lifestyle choices and low doses of medication *most* of the time. Whenever symptoms break through, I’m reminded again of the destructive power of the Black Dog.
Thank you, V, for the writing prompt. I know that my demeanor confuses people regarding the reality of my depression. Before medication I worked very, very hard to, at least outwardly, be the person I wanted to be. Now I don’t exhaust myself and have a clearer, truer life. I will never forget the day I realized treatment was working. I looked at The Good Husband and said, “I can’t believe you got to feel this good the whole time. You don’t know how lucky you are.” Then, being the man that he is, he replied, “Of course I know how lucky I am. I have you.” :-)
I never looked at depression from a biological perspective…..You certainly opened my eyes with this post. Thank you
Hooray! I’m glad to have sparked some interest. And I’m glad you shared, Charles. Great day to you.