My friend and fellow writer, V-Grrrl, wrote a compelling post about her dealings with depression and the healing and supportive effects of social media. I invite you to read her story

In response, I penned the comments below:

I first wanted to die at age 7. Prayed every night that I’d not awaken in the morning. For the longest time, I blamed my inner turmoil on a wildly tumultuous family life laden with violence and abuse and tears.

Through my thirties, the “dark debilitator” and I never parted company. I read scores of self-help books, ate right, got plenty of sleep, avoided alcohol, sought counseling, never toyed with drugs and practiced every holistic recommendation.

Still, He dogged me.

Despite the fact that, once an adult, I enjoyed every blessing and achieved every goal, I fell into the abyss on a regular basis. Climbing out was a monumental feat that nearly broke me time and again.

When the first of two of my children became chronically ill, I finally told the doctor the dirty details of my thirty-year battle with the beast. Her response? “This is a biological illness. All you’ve done has helped, but only medication will set your chemistry right.”

Enter the vanquisher- a prescription antidepressant. Over the last ten years I weaned myself off of it several times, thinking I could manage on my own. Finally, I accept it as my saving grace. On it, I AM me. Without it, He wins. Fuck that.

If it ever stops working, I’ll get myself to the doctor and find a new weapon. I love being me. I’ll never again willingly give up myself.

If you think you might suffer with depression, make an appointment with your doctor. Seek help. Feel better.

* "Black Dog" is a colloquial term for depression.

 

I garden avidly.

When I was a child, my now 98-year old grandmother introduced me to the magic of coaxing food, medicine, scent, and sensation from seeds planted in the earth.

Gram lived a few blocks from my childhood home (in which my mom still lives) and I could walk to her place in minutes.  In my first book, A Desert Gardener’s Companion, I share a few of my happy-memory stories:

~ Gram supervised while I planted bulbs in her front bed to earn my Brownie Girl Scout Handbook.

~ I learned to double-dig alongside her in the vegetable plot of her half-acre garden.

~ All the girls in the family made jams and jellies from home-grown fruit in Gram’s tiny but efficient kitchen.

It was at the dining table in that same kitchen that I first perused stacks of seed catalogs with color-rich covers cradling packet descriptions and hundreds of  varieties possessing distinct and unique qualities. I loved those catalogs then, and I love them now.  But these days my favorite catalogs and companies are online.

I recently ordered seed from Botanical Interests, enticed by their Facebook page , our Twitter connection and their inspirational blog posts.

Botanical Interests is ”a family owned garden seed packet company specializing in dependable herb, flower, and vegetable varieties for the home gardener.” Always pleased with their products, I expect this year’s choices to perform just as well.

Bring Home The Butterflies,  Xeriscape Extreme and Perennial Bloom promise to be great additions to my newly-installed bird and butterfly garden. Just outside the massive bay of windows that define my work space, I’ve planted lots of seed- and berry-producing plants to entice the desert’s insect and avian creatures.

When interplanted with the Guara,  lavender, Loropetalum, Plumbago, Pyracantha, Salvia and others, I’m sure the nectar-producing florals these selections boast, along with the baby’s breath, Nasturtiums, Penstemon, and poppies, will be utterly adored.

And I will adore the creatures they attract.

I just hope the raptors

…and the coyotes

…and wild cats

mind their manners.

Bless the beasts…

 

 

I AM in the minority and I know it. I like Mondays.

Every Monday marks the beginning of a new week when everything seems possible. I reflect on the gifts and good times I’ve just enjoyed, find peace and purpose in the new day, firm up plans for the upcoming week and anticipate the blessings that I know will be mine. But as a child, I absolutely relished Mondays. 

Monday marked the beginning of the school week and I loved school. Monday plopped me into my element; and for the next five days I could learn and read and play, and do my best to please the adults around me and hide my truths from the neighborhood kids. Mondays marked the first day of safety, freedom and relief. Back then, beginning Friday afternoon at three, I kept my inner eye on Monday as the weekend loomed ahead.

While, for most kids, weekends meant parties and movies and happy, family fun, for my siblings and me, that was only an occasional truth. For us, Friday night through Sunday, 7 p.m. was a time to be endured. During those hours my dad, plagued by psychic dragons never slain, tormented his family. A mean alcoholic, he’d start drinking during the drive home from work and wouldn’t stop until he passed out at day’s end. During the week, he got up and went to work in the morning, and the rest of us went about our days with cautious, contained calm. We laughed and played and fulfilled our responsibilities in relative contentedness.

On weekends, our world changed. Friday evenings were tolerable because Dad was celebrating the end of the work week and his attitude was fairly upbeat. Bad things did not usually happen on Friday. But as the weekend rolled on, the firestorm would brew, and it grew.

So long as we were quiet, Saturday mornings were sometimes safe since Dad, nursing a hangover, retreated to his shop or CB radio desk, and kept his distance from four kids and all that they meant. Often, he was still feeling the previous night’s buzz when he drank his morning coffee. Two cups down, he’d switch to Coor’s talls with salt on the rim. (When the Teamster’s banned Coor’s he switched to Bud; and I wonder if he, a rabid homophobic, ever understood that he joined the increasingly influential gay community in “showing those non-union bastards.” Ya gotta smile.)

Come noon, the looming tension felt like a physical threat. By three, name-calling began. If we were lucky, he took a nap in the late afternoon and we got a time out. If not, the day was really long. At five, criticism and demands regarding dinner ensued. By seven we were “stupid, lazy, sons-o’-bitches,” “fat-assed good-for-nothings,” or some equally inadequate sort. As the sun went down, his fiery malevolence rose, fueling an illogical anger that propelled hatred, fists and leather belts.

Sundays, I tried to escape because they were scary and depression enrobed me. This “Sunday Sadness” remained my norm for decades before I figured it out and let it go. Because control was my dad’s favorite tool, getting away was never easy. “No,” was his favorite word. So I chose to go to my grandparents, go to church, study, do a school project or read. Anything to prevent our paths from crossing. Often I heard his ranting, but avoided the inevitable physical end. 

Sunday nights were often blessed because by then he just passed out. We’d nurse our wounds, spiritual, emotional and physical, while we watched “The Wonderful World of Disney”   in relative peace and look forward to the next five days. And then Monday came. As a child, I absolutely relished Mondays.

 

blue.ocean

A sea-change is at hand and creative women are riding it’s waves toward fulfillment. The prevailing economy and socio-political currents prompted us to tighten our belts, recycle, reduce, reuse and return to basics. These same forces also inspired us to re-examine our essential selves and search for meaning and purpose. For many, meaning and purpose are deeply rooted in creation. We are painters, crafters, writers, photographers, binders, builders and believers, who of late, have often drifted in a sea of confused focus.

But… Aha!

Something is in the air.

Thanks to the stars, the moon or some mystical cosmic shift, the tide is turning.  Encouraged by new possibilities on confident winds, we depart the doldrums and venture into the shipping lanes. No longer adrift, many artist friends have renewed enthusiasm for artistic expression and also recognize opportunities to test their entrepreneurial savvy. Navigating uncharted waters and embarking on uniquely individual voyages, artists of all ilks enthusiastically dive deep and follow unfamiliar sea-routes toward the next new world.

It’s a Renaissance of sorts.

And it’s happening everywhere.

Keep your spyglass in hand. Be awakened and aware. Sightings of brilliance are inevitable.

~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·~·

Here are a few interesting artists, their stories and endeavors:

Jane Devin: One Writer No Address

Veronica McCabe Deschambault at Compost Studios

Art by Chrysti at The Altered Abbey on Etsy

Joanne Vanbezooyen, Designer

Check ‘em out!


On Passion & Serenity

 Stories  Comments Off
Aug 202008
 

Passion & Serenity.

How do they relate?

How are they manifest in my life?

In me?

Many doubt the two can co-exist. Some value one over the other.

Here’s my take:

I AM a passionate woman. Always have been. I feel in a big way and get big ideas. And I AM compelled to act.

For me, passion without action is just so much hot air.

I do not choose to tell you ‘why’.

I choose to show you ‘why’,

Create ‘why’,

Be ‘why’.

It is through action that passion achieves it’s acme.

Without passion and the ensuing action, I could never find serenity. I would be restless and searching and unfulfilled.

Calmness of mind…evenness of temper…cool, clear composure…and yes, inner quiet and stillness and peace are only possible when I know I have acted, rightly, on my passion.

Serenity is mine when I know I have done what is required.

So, yes…

I AM passionate.

I AM a woman of action.

I AM serene.

I AM!

*Passion — feeling very strongly about a subject or person.

© 2012 Kim Nelson Writes Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha