Anxiety

Returned to me.

Why?

We had an agreement,

You and I.

We worked it through, we made a deal, I figured you’d be gone.

But no.

Recognizing destination, path and plan ~ you came along.

WTH?

Habit? Memory? Trauma exacted long ago?

Irrelevant!

Damn you and be warned:

You’re unwelcome.

Your tricks and games, old news.

I’m movin’ on no matter how you coax and woo.

I don’t need you.

Get it?

GO.

I AM in control.

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Blue.

I know you.

Intimately.

Ours

Was my first

Long-term

Relationship.

With you,

I spent

Too many

Pacing late nights

and

Anxious, wee-hour mornings.

Blue.

Me and you

In the kitchen, stewing

On bent knees, pleading

On the interchange, scheming

Dreaming.

For years

You held court,

Torturously

Twisting the past,

Plaiting the present

and

Tainting my tomorrows.

Blue

I fought you.

With intellect, through sheer neglect

Using prayer and mantra

Swear and tantra

Battling long

And strong

Until finally, I knew

What to do

To vanquish you,

Blue.

~

It was so simple.

Add yellow.

When she heard the girl was sick ~ and always would be.

“Not my daughter.”

“She’s brilliant. We prize that.”

~

She raged as illness unfolded.

Living the day-in, the day-out, fearing dreams would never come about.

“This is not our life!”

She had such plans. She cherished them. She clung.

~

She trembled when the crazy bubbled up.

When her fear, fueled by helplessness, boiled on over with it.

She’d always had control.

That’s how she lived.  She controlled.

~

She prayed when hope refused to settle in.

When getting through a day sans crisis was success.

“God can do miracles.”

“We need one. I’ll do whatever it takes.” She begged.

~

She mourned as miracles failed to manifest.

When she knew the girl was sick and always would be.

When she knew her mind was truly ill.

She, they, so prized it.

…time…

She loved when they spent time together.

When the girl chose to live and she chose to live beside her.

When she knew their plans had changed, but that the change was right and good.

They would move on. They would be well.

~

And now.

They rejoice.

She is ill, but lives, stays, well.

Lives, loves, learns. Well.

And ~ blessed be ~ brilliance, bravery, beauty ~ accompany.

They, too, are here to stay.

Look here.

You’ll see it.

Epitome.

Female, feminine, defined, real.

Confident.

Strong.

Vibrant.

Brave.

All this,

And only at middle age.

Damn!

Watch.

Watch out.

Surprises

Impresses

As it should

Carries me along on this rugged journey

Propels my soul into a realm I otherwise would miss

Big

Bold

Beautiful

Bodacious

BODY o’ mine

It’s a blessing

Purely

Simply

da BOMB!

I Am.

Experienced. Weathered. Aged.

Eroded. Refined.

Call it what you will.

I AM steady.

The rains come.

The sun beats down.

The breezes blow.

They, too, are steady.

Constant. Predictable.

Sometimes fierce.

They rush, pierce, gust.

I stand.

Proud. Confident. Capable. Strong.

I flex.

I bend.

I do not break.

I’ve grown past that frailty.

Matured.

Roots firmly planted, growing inward, upward.

Steady, I take what I need. Give back in return.

Balanced.

Solid at my core.

Steady.

I AM.

More readily.

Fear stepped in.

I stopped.

Journey in.

Accept.

Practice.

Strength– Flexibility –Balance

I move again.

Released.

Free.

Me.